Sopranos

The Sopranos finale will always be a mystery. Why couldn’t Meadow nail that parking space? She had so much fucking room.

“Busy”

There is no such thing as “busy”. It’s a word we invented because “thanks, but I’d prefer to do something else” is too painful to say. Or hear.

On the Artie Lange “controversy”

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Artie Lange tweeted some jokes. People were “outraged”. He lost a gig. Meanwhile, today I heard a song on the radio by The Rolling Stones called ‘Brown Sugar’. It goes like this:

Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields
Sold in a market down in New Orleans
Scarred old slaver knows he’s doing alright
Hear him whip the women just around midnight
Brown sugar! How come you taste so good?
Brown sugar! Just like a young girl should.

This is a fantasy about slavery and sexual abuse. I am APPALLED. It’s DISGUST-oh wait, people who own media like this band? Oh, OK. That’s fine. Carry on everybody.

Have you ever bored your own parents?

It’s a tough moment. My mother is now very quick to let me know I’m boring her. We’ll be on the phone, and I’ll be droning on, and she just says: “OK – I’m done”. And the conversation is over.

Your parents are supposed to think everything you do is remarkable and captivating. Remember when the whole house stopped, just because you used a toilet correctly? But now, you tell ONE story that doesn’t have a point, and your parents are mentally checked out.

Children go through the same thing in as teenagers: they realize their parents are boring. Before hormones kick in? Your parents are gods. They have money and cars and are tall. Then you hit 13, and realize the opposite. Oh, my parents are just two examples of millions of middle-aged people, who mainly like things from 20 years ago and fall asleep in chairs. It’s an important phase: if you didn’t start to think your parents were boring, you’d never want to leave home.

Maybe boring your parents is the true last step in becoming an adult. When you’re a child, you can NEVER be boring to parents. Because you’re always just one bad decision away from accidentally killing yourself. Parenthood is basically a very cute suicide watch. Mothers and fathers have to be hyper-vigilant to keep their kid alive. When you bore your parents, it’s a true sign that the vigilance is over. They succeeded. They made a thing that can live on its own without dying. But, frankly, that’s not that interesting. When you’ve pulled Lego out of a choking child’s esophagus, hearing why he prefers Tumblr to Twitter just isn’t the same rush.

Mulaney

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So Mulaney is cancelled. I marvel at Hollywood. It can take any prime organic talent, and grind it into a flavorless shit patty.