New jokes (that’ll be old soon)

Anthony Weiner is ahead in the polls to be New York’s next Mayor. Rival Christine Quinn dismissed the news, saying “there’s only one poll that matters: the stiff one you tweeted everyone.”

New England Patriots star Aaron Hernandez is charged with one murder and is now a suspect in two more. He’s now the biggest killer in the NFL, after Parkinson’s.

Edward Snowden is spending a fifth day in the transit section of Moscow Airport, fleeing U.S. espionage charges. If the Americans catch him, Snowden fears they’ll either water-board him, or worse, offer him more Sbarro’s.

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg is going to be a grandfather. He doesn’t care if it’s a boy or a girl, as long as it’s healthy and under 16 ounces.

Google is developing a video game console. It’s going to be called Wii… know all your secrets so buy it or else.

A New York man was thrown out of a strip club this week for wearing his Google Glasses. “It’s a real threat to privacy,” said one stripper, as she mashed her buttocks into Bob from sales.

Simon Cowell is making a talent show in Afghanistan. He hopes to topple its current #1 show: “Law and Order: Can We Have Some.”

How to be British

There’s a common misunderstanding that you must be born, or live in, Britain to be called “British.” This is wrong. Anyone can be British. It’s an identity you just pick up and wear at will. Like being a Goth, or black.

Here is how you do it.

1. Secretly hate yourself, but even more secretly love yourself.

You must be self-deprecating at all times. Behave like Hugh Grant and constantly project an image of “fish out of water” charm. You are well-educated and know a few things about a few things, but golly, you’re a very silly person really and don’t deserve any of this attention and my goodness, you’re a total fraud. In private, admit the truth: you are British. We invented everything. Then we ruined all of Africa and half of Asia, and people still think we’re classy and adorable. You’re one pimp motherfucker.

2. Believe all Germans are Nazis.

This is easy because it is true. All Germans are sneaky Nazis. Thank goodness for the British who single-handedly defeated them while the Americans watched in wonder. Be sure to remind all Germans that you think they are Nazis by constantly making jokes about the Second World War, Hitler, and how they love Hitler. If they get offended by this (i.e. accusing them of sympathy with the worst regime in human history), this is just another example of them having no sense of humor. Which is typical for a Nazi.

3. Polite = rude.

To be truly British, politeness must be a weapon. “I do beg your pardon” is British for “don’t bump into me. Handle your business, you clumsy fuck.” Whenever you wish to display hatred or anger, be excessively polite. It’s been working for us for centuries. That’s why we ruin everything but people still think we’re admirable.

If you do these three things, you are well on your way to becoming British.