New jokes (that just might stay fresh)

Alcohol will solve any problem, just temporarily. It’s like duct tape you can drink.

I get butterflies whenever my wife walks into the room. She’s covered in caterpillars.

I like my sex like I like my coffee: when my wife’s away. She thinks caffeine is bad for me. God, I love her so much.

I’d rather be black than gay, but if it’s on the table I’d prefer both.

 

 

 

Fourth of July

Reasons why Al-Qaeda can’t enjoy the 4th? 1. Brats 2. Brews. 3. Broads in bikinis. Reasons why America rules? SAME DAMN LIST.

New jokes (that’ll be old soon)

The pope is asking catholic priests to only drive “humble” cars, not flashy new ones. To put his case, he quoted the Bible’s least known book, “The Gospel According to a 2003 Toyota Camry.”

Eliot Spitzer is back. Most men caught with a hooker get a felony. Spitzer got two talk shows and will walk into a job paying $185k. So here’s my question: who’s got two thumbs and wants to be caught with a hooker?

Eloit Spitzer is the Rosa Parks of men who pay for sex. He’s breaking that mirrored ceiling for all of us.

Spitzer is running as New York’s fiscal watchdog. His campaign slogan? “You’re money’s on the table.”

With Spitzer and Weiner back, it’s perfect timing for Christine Quinn’s new campaign slogan – “Quinn: No dick moves.”

New jokes (that’ll be old soon)

Cops have arrested a senior Tiffany’s executive for stealing from the company. Told them those jewel-encrusted staplers were a bad idea.

Governor Chris Christie has made a playlist for music website Spotify. He says it’s eclectic: perfect for a jog, the gym, and hanging with paramedics afterwards.

A key part of Obamacare will be delayed for one year, says the White House, but then we’ll definitely get it. Definitely next year. Isn’t it great when the President sounds like a coach who missed the playoffs?

Shame of normal things

Why are human beings ashamed of completely natural things? My bowels work and I have a sex drive. I shit, and I pleasure myself. But I do it in extreme private, usually in tiny little rooms with locked doors. So do you. Why?

Shitting is the same as eating. They’re two equally important steps in a process with many parts: nourishing our physical bodies. But when we eat, it’s a party. Come over and eat with us! Even better, we’ll go out! Some special people will make special eating things, JUST FOR US! We eat together, like a big family. But we shit very separately, one-by-one, in a little box, far from of sight.

Maybe it’s a deep symbolic thing. Eating is the beginning of a process, shitting is the end. I guess our species likes beginnings. Weddings are about lives beginning, and are big joyous occasions: literally everyone you care about is in the room. Divorce is different. You get divorced in absolute privacy, like your relationship taking a shit. It happens in a tiny room. Only you two are there. Maybe there’s a guy handing you paper, but you’re both pretending he’s invisible.

Beginnings are hopeful. Ends are depressing. We call everything that ends “a new beginning”, because we just don’t want to deal with that fear and shame of an ending. We lie to ourselves.

We shit and we jerk off in private because of fear and shame and taboo. Maybe it’s the root of our symbolic vocabulary. Other animals don’t have it. They do whatever they like with their bodies, completely in the open, whenever they want. But then no orangutan ever wrote a novel. Maybe our urge to do symbolically “dirty” things in private is linked to that creative urge. We hide some things. And they end up coming out in other ways.  It’s odd to think Shakespeare wouldn’t have written Hamlet if he could just take a good, non-self-conscious shit in front of everyone, but maybe it’s true.